Impervious.

I remember one time I boxed my friend Kenny.

Of course this was a long time ago, I'm very anti-violence now.

We went at it for a long time. My strategy was to wear him out as thin as I could and then go all out on him in the end. I basically just let him hit me for a pretty long time.

My adrenaline was kicking in pretty hard, so I didn't realize how much he was actually hurting me.

Yeah, my strategy worked, but I ended up with a busted nose and a busted lip and it hurt to chew for a week.

My nose is still a little crooked, it kinda goes off to the right a little.

My point is, I just now realized how hurt I still really am.

I do a really good job of rolling with the punches.

I feel like I can take more damage than I really can.

In my lifetime, especially the last couple years, a lot of people have let me down.

A lot of people have totally abandoned me.

And then they just came back like everything was ok, and I let them.

But I'm just now starting to realize that I don't know if I'm really ok with that.

Like, I've done such a good job of acting like everything's ok that I totally forgot how much it really hurt

When they just up and left like I didn't even mean anything.

I dunno.

Weight of the World.

Does anybody else have a really hard time figuring out Blogger?

Just the whole format in general is really confusing to me. I just accidentally made a new profile or something... I don't know. THIS IS THE REAL ME. THE OTHER ONE IS A MISTAKE.

Anyways. Running desperately low on cash. 10.21 in my bank account. Thanks to large tickets. (I had like 350 buck in my bank account a month ago! I'm good at saving money now!) But Zumiez Couch Tour is coming up and I'm in charge of a. window displays and b. street team. So I get paid to do a window display with a $75 budget which is cool, and I also get paid to drive around to the skateparks and other stores like Urban Outfitters in seattle and promote Couch Tour, which is even cooler. So I'll be makin skrill soon.

Gerry said he could get me a bussing job at the country club, but I'm leaving for a month in July, it'd be really dumb for me to pick up  new job now.

On that note, I'm worried about money. I need like... 250-400 bucks by then. I know if I start working at least 15 hours a week I'll be able to do it. I can make like 20 bucks last two weeks. But I have to get that money to begin with. If worse comes to worse, I'll just fly down and hope somebody will drive me around for two weeks and then Nate or Ted will drive me up to Oregon to meet up with my fam. Ha...

On THAT note, I'm gonna try and look for jobs while I'm down there. It would be really cool to be able to live with my family. And I just need a change of scenery. This is not one of those "I'm gonna move to California and make it big" things. I don't even like Cali that much. I just LOVE my family. I would really miss rain and green-ness and the whole NW spirit in general. But it's time for me to leave the nest, I think. And go exploring.

Enough about California.

I have a lot to say cause I haven't blogged in.. two weeks? Maybe 1.5, I dunno.

I started writing again. And by "writing", I mean "staring at a blank word document for two hours at a time".

But, hey, it's a word in progress.

I also picked up on the comic again, I really wanna get crackin on it because I really think it could be successful.

Especially because I know a lot of different local business owners that would be stoked to distribute it, among pretty much anything else I do. I could pretty much poop on a piece of carboard and have it on sale at four or five different stores in my area, which is a huge blessing for me. God has graced me with a lot of connections.

Which is another reason why I wanna get out of here, because I feel like I can't go anywhere without seeing someone I know. That sounds arrogant. But it's just because I've lived here for TOO LONG.

I started writing music and playing shows again. Not to make it big or to try and get signed. Just because it's something that I love to do. I will probably never get signed, because I'm not really sure I ever want to be. I am gonna send a demo to Barsuk Records, and if they don't write back, then that's the end of it. I just really want to teach. And I don't really care all that much about making music for a living, because no matter what music is something that I'll always have. I do want to have my own label someday, but that would probably be for local aspiring artists.

On a side note, I've realized that I have a passion for home improvement. Weird? I've been lawn-mowing and weed-wacking and gardening and stuff in my spare time lately. And I really enjoy it.

On another side note this is starting to turn into a novel.

MY LAST THING:

I've been struggling a lot in my walk with faith. Like, I'm totally stoked about everything God's doing in my life. Seriously. But I just don't feel like I'm any different. Like I really need to work on my little language problem. And some other random things. I mean, I stopped partying and stuff. I'll casually drink a beer or two with close friends every once in a while (by this I mean like less than once a month. minus the occasional glass of wine with my mom, ha), but the difference is whether you're just drinking for fun or if you're drinking TO get drunk, I think. And I stopped smoking, and I'm like... almost 2 years celibate I think. Like a year and a half. Maybe I just need to spend more time with God and in my bible and stuff. And then I'll feel like I'm doing more. I just don't feel like I deserve to be a youth leader. I mean when I'm at church, I work REALLY well with the kids. Like I feel like "I'm doing a really good job, these kids really look up to me". But then I'll be hangin out with my friends and drop an "F" bomb every once in a while and stuff or tell dirty jokes, and I feel like I'm being inconsistent. And that's super whaq. So I guess just pray for me if you can, ask God to put me in my place and keep me honest. It's just when you're so used to acting a certain way for SO long it's hard to just totally change everything. But I'm working on it.

Anyways, there's probably way more going on than that, but I feel like this is borderling novella status, so I'm done. I'M SPENT.

P.S. Forget everything I ever wrote about mystery woman. 'Twas not but a dream, yo.

AKA BAD NEWS BEARS.

I love anyone and everywhone who has read this far, from the bottom of my heart.

Thousands Upon Thousands.

I've been stuck lately. I'm really happy in some aspects of my life.

I finally feel at home in my home. I'm on the church staff now, which is awesome.

I think I finally kinda know what I want to do with my life.

I definitely know what I want out of my life.

But I don't know what lengths I may have to go to to make that a reality.

I don't know what's in store for me in the next 1-6 years.

I don't know what's even going to happen to me in the next 1-6 months.

1-6 days, even.

I never really know where I'm going from one day to the next.

And whereas this used to be exciting and adventurous,

Everything's kind of slowed down.

So I usually just end up sitting at home all day

Laying in bed.

But the thing is, there's not a whole lot I can do right now.

Summer qtr doesn't start for a while.

It's stupid to look for new jobs because I'll be gone for a month in July.

At least I hope so. I haven't been getting many hours.

Even the girl i like isn't ready to commit to anything just yet

So I'm kind of stuck idling.

And all I can really do right now is wait.

And pray.

Which I have been.

Like Crazy.

Oh, Mercy, Mercy Me

My heart's been skipping beats all day.
It's been a long time since I've let any one thing have this much power over me.
It's exhilarating. And it's absolutely terrifying.
I really don't like it. I don't like the idea of being afraid to lose something.
I don't like the idea of being attached to something so whimsical.
I dunno. It's been so long it's like the first time all over again.
And it's painful. But I'm trying not to be a baby about it.

Chinchilla.

Sorry about that last post. I've just been grumpy pants kinda today and yesterday.

It's a little complicated, don't really wanna get into it.

On the upside, it's sunny outside.

I also met with my old youth pastor mike and we talked about my future.

I asked him "paramedic, teacher, or youth pastor?"

and he said "yes."

so we just kinda figured out how that might work.

here's the plan.

at pierce i can take a course that would prep me for EMT and that only takes a while. Then I can be an EMT and work through school while I work towards a teaching degree. It would probably benefit me to attend a christian school because then after I get my teaching degree I want to get a pastor's license so I can be a youth pastor through the school that I work for. As far as which school to attend for my degree, mike said that i'd want to get a degree in the state that i want to start out teaching in, and if you teach at an inter-city (aka "ghetto") school for four years, they pay for your degree. I already was planning on starting out teaching in South Central LA, which is right around where I grew up. I literally had to move to Washington because private school was too expensive and my mom was afraid to put me in the LA school district. I've always wondered how I'd have ended up if I stayed in the LA district, so I guess now's my chance to find out.

I'm not sure how long I'd stay there, but I spose after a time I'd move somewhere where I could settle down and have a family, etc. And that's when I'd try to get my pastoral license and be a youth pastor through the school, like for example the young life leaders and stuff like that. So I could teach kids and everything, and not have to beat them over the head with a bible, but they know where I'm coming from. They know that there's something different about me, and hopefully that would compel them to check out what that difference would be about.

I dunno, it just seems like a really good plan. But it's a lot. So right now I'm just taking things one step at a time.

For now, I'm working on the road trip this summer and saving money.

Then, I'm enrolling in summer classes and trying to make up for the classes I failed back when I though I was too cool for college.

Then, full time student.

And we'll take it from there, I spose.

Child of Dust.

Sometimes I wonder why people are worth the effort in the first place.

What makes us so highly evolved?

What makes our lives so much more important?

I know there's the biblical statement that we are made in God's image so therefore we're important.

But I don't think God spends his life in front of the television.

I don't think God wastes his money on things he doesn't need, when there are others in poverty.

I don't think God eats and eats until he's full just because it feels better than going hungry.

I don't think God ignores the people that are hurting just because it makes him uncomfortable to think about it.

I don't think God would change the channel during a CNN report from war-torn third world nations.

I don't think God would do any of the awful things that we, as humans, are capable of.

So who are we to think that we're more important than dolphins, or monkeys, or even ants.

I mean, when was the last time you saw a dolphin pay a fortune for fin implants?

Or a monkey take out a second mortgage on his treehouse to pay for a mercedes?

But they're freakin smart, I'll tell ya.

Humans just constantly disappoint each other. We hurt each other. We are entirely and utterly self-absorbed.

So is it the few that are truly kind and loving that must make an example for the rest of us?

Is it these few that will stand trial as the pinnacle of our existence on judgement day?

And if not, what will happen to these few when the rest of us burn?

Will the rapture really take the good people away? But if they truly are good, wouldn't they want to stay?

I mean, if they truly were selfless, they would stay with the people left behind, to try and convince them to fight for Christ. To try and convince them that they must stand their ground.

I mean, is that possible?

I dunno. If I was raptured I wouldn't be able to just leave everyone else behind. But I may not have a choice.

I don't really know what I'm saying. I just had kind of a weird night. And I'm tired of sunday christians and intolerance and kids that have to grow up with drug addicts and double-divorcees for parents. 

I promise on a regular basis, I'm typically not nearly this negative. But sometimes I over-think things.

I Once Was Caged Up,

Yo.

So this has been a pretty awesome couple weeks. Rather than postin up on facebook for hours at a time, I've been doing, like... other things.

I subscribed to a coupe podcasts, though. But they're podcasts like Obama's weekly address, Occupation in Iraq, Alive in Mexico, Alive in Baghdad, BBC Global News, stuff like that. To keep me globally educated. It's been really interesting. Except the Iraqi Occupation one just pisses me off. Did you know we're spending trillions of dollars to send out young americans, husbands, wives, sons, daughters, away from their loved ones for months at a time...

...so they can teach Iraqi children Boyscouts/Girlscouts?

Isn't that AWESOME??

end sarcasm.

Sure, it's nice. Warm and fuzzies ensue. But I mean, these people signed up to "serve their country" and whatnot, not babysit. OUR OCCUPATION NEEDS TO END.

Did you know that the best way for a national banking system to make money is war profiteering?

So maybe there's a reason we're still in Iraq. I dunno. I don't wanna get too liberal on you guys.

Anyways, so I've been learning a lot. And I've been experiencing a lot. I noticed when I go out into the wilderness (what little wilderness there is left in the suburbs), is when I really spend my close time with God. The other night I was out longboarding and just stopped and sat on the ground and prayed for like an hour and a half. It was super duper. I've noticed a change brewing inside of me. I sense of duty, almost. A responsibility for my community and those around me. So I've been pretty busy the last couple weeks, because I've been made responsible for all the kids 13-16 at my church so I've been postin up with them a lot. It's pretty fulfilling, actually. Anyways, that's mostly my life. The other stuff is a little more just for me and not so much for the internet.

Ok, see you... I dunno, around.