On the Noggin.

The Up and Up.

Gonna make it quick.

Woke up this morning feeling good. Feeling like everything has come to this precipice and now it's all kinda downhill from here, at least till December. I have come to certain conclusions.

I have more or less forsaken the job hunt.

I am going to invest my time and energy doing these things:

Spending time with God.

Helping others in need. Oddjobs, if you will. I'm helping a friend move out of his dorm tomorrow.

Mastering my various crafts.

Putting those crafts into use. (I may be starting a skateboard company when I get back to Washington. Already have some investors. Also, writing a comic. Ted thinks it's good enough to be published, and he's definitely a credible source. We're setting up recording equipment so I can start laying down some tracks and getting them flowing in the right directions. I need to do something with music. Making paintings and selling them. I need to stop hoarding them things. Designing t-shirts for my man Gerry. Couple other things.)

Reflecting upon myself and my character. "These are the years when a man changes into the man he's going to be for the rest of his life. Just be careful who you change into." --Ben Parker.

Appreciating life without STUFF. I seriously brought next to nothing down here with me. And I don't plan on adding onto my belongings any time soon. I need to simplify my life and stop cluttering it with junk that I don't need. And not having money helps me decide what is really necessary to spend money on.

Getting back in shape. Might be getting signed back onto the Y down the street. Finally get the 6 pack back.

So hopefully by the time you see me again, you'll see a more complete man before you.

And not the jumbled mess that I've been the past few months.

But I've realized how beautiful and wonderful life is. Despite the shortcomings.

Sunshine ain't so good without the rain, so to speak.

Reversi.

Half of me strives for greatness. I see myself surrounded by family, children, a wife.

I go to work every day, consistently working towards a better future not only for me but those around me.

I am happy. I am content. I go to church on sunday and lead a bible study group on wednesdays.

I worship with my eyes closed. I pray every night, and ask what God can do with me. How he can use me.

I keep my friends close. We laugh when we see our children play together.

We get together on holidays and birthdays. We go to the same church.

We eat barbeque in the summer. We cut down our christmas trees together.

Half of me strives for chaos. I see myself wandering aimlessly about the world.

I have little to no money to my name. And what money I get is gone before I can say "bad habit."

I am alone. I am never content. Wanderlust has completely taken over.

I stay in one place long enough to get what I need and then move on as soon as I start to get comfortable.

I have no real friends. My family's given up on me.

But I have seen the world. I have seen pain, I have seen heartache. I have seen it and learn to live with it.

The idea of being a father terrifies me, because a child would be like an anchor.

To a wife that would never feel fully appreciated.

I break into cars and houses. I don't steal anything. I just like to remind people that there is no such thing as static security. I get into fights on the subway with rich people in thousand dollar suits.

I dunno.

There's Some Adam in Me.

It's odd that my great great great x34253462 grampa was the founder of original sin. And his wife was a dumb chick who talked to snakes.

It's odd how hard and calloused our hearts become after being dropped only a few times.

It's odd that the few deserving, soft-hearted people get hurt by the people of the aforementioned group.

So hard-heartedness is like an epidemic. And those infected can't help but seek out people who are innocent and hurt them, bring them down to our level.

People wander through their lives in one fashion or another.

So many of us just give up. Spend our days locked in our room, too overwhelmed to get out of bed. Wasting away on internet quizzes and the promise that tomorrow, we'll get out there and show some gusto.

Or we refuse to take a minute to be quiet. We rush through everything, and once something's done there is always something else to be done. Because the more we have to DO, the less time we have to THINK. And the more we think, the more we realize that there's something missing.

And then, of course, there's the very few of us who have found a balance. That have somehow made it out of this mess unscathed. Or are just so resilient, that none of the scratches and bruises matter. They just keep living, and loving, and smiling. They have something to believe in. They know what they want, and every day is a little devotion to that one thing. And really, whether they get that one thing or not, it doesn't really matter. It just helps to have faith in something.

Please don't tell me to have faith in God. Please don't tell me to have faith in myself. Or in love. Or in peace. Or in whatever. Because whatever you can think of, these are things that I have sought solace in.

And tomorrow, I will probably go searching for answers in all the familiar places.

I will open my bible. I will sing songs. I will paint pictures. I will read books.

But today I just take a minute to wonder why I bothered getting out of bed this morning.

Because my mind can't help but wander to places where God isn't real. And everyone has just found out. And all the world is in a panic.

Or where Love has failed. And Peace has forsaken us. And all the nations have opened fire. And all the husbands and wives are fucking each other and everybody else. Because there is no more making love. Only sex. And nobody sings songs. Because if there's nothing left to believe in, there's nothing to sing about.

I wonder where I would be in this place. If I would go out into it and try to change things.

Or if I would just sit and wait for tomorrow.

But My Door is Always Open.

First and foremost: Buy/listen to/love this album.

I may never be content.

And I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I mean, the bible even says we should never be content.

We should always be striving to be better.

But I'm just always wanting things and then not being content with them, and then wanting other things.

Chasing ghosts and places that don't actually exist.

Except for in my imagination and memories,

Which humanity tends to sugar-coat.

So, safely put, things are never as good as we remember.

Or imagine they will be.

So does that mean that we keep wandering

Until we finally feel contented?

Or do we just make the most of what we have?

I DUNNO.

Shadow Weighs a Ton.

As I hopped onto I-5 south, bound for my old hometown in California, I suddenly and very heavily realized the dichotomy of which I was currently enveloped in.

Ever since I moved to Washington, all I've wanted was to go back to California. Sophomore year, my friends Ja, Ohmie, Bo and I made a pact to run away to the big CA the day of graduation, and never look back.

Well, it hasn't happened exactly as such, but nevertheless, here I am. What's funny is I was just beginning to get used to the idea of living in Washington. I really love it there and now consider it to be my home. Whereas on the one hand I have the family that I grew up with as a child, that raised me and taught me the lessons every young boy should learn, on the other hand I have this wonderful family in Washington that I have both been born into, and partly built through close ties that I feel will never be broken. The weight of this conflict suddenly became very real to me as I was beginning my 18 hour journey down the west coast. It started out as laughter, as I suddenly realized "I'm finally leaving Puyallup! I'm getting out of here!" And quickly turned to tears as the fact of all that I was leaving behind began to sink in. I must say, anyone who would have seen me may have thought me crazy, laughing in a fit of tears. Trying to keep it together just enough as to not run myself off the road. I know that I will always have a home and friends and family waiting for me in Washington. I know that this is just the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I don't know what will happen, or even how long i will be here. But I know that God is with me, and that whatever happens I just have to make the best of it. And as far as I'm concerned, that's all that's worth knowing in this lifetime.

To my Washingtonians:

Thank you for being there for me through the roughest years of my life.

Thank you for molding me and shaping me into the man that I have become.

Thank you for not giving up on me as you had to watch me make all of the mistakes I have.

Thank you for still accepting me when I came around.

Thank you for preparing me for what life will bring my way.

Thank you for loving and caring for me. I could never thank you enough for that.

I will always remember you and cherish you. I don't know how long I'll be gone, but whether it's ten months or ten years, I will always love you and hold you very close to my heart. I look forward to seeing you again on holidays, when we can catch up on all of the life that we've lived.

I love you, I love you, I love you. That's all I can say at this point.

That, and thank you again. And again, and again.

--Evan

For My Pad:

i'm such a woman.