I Wants.

I was thinking I wanted a Vespa. But then I decided "You know, I hardly ever drive anywhere that's just in Puyallup. I might as well go the extra mile and just get a bike."

65/gallon. Woot.

But of course this isn't in my immediate future. That would be like a year of college right there.

Plus bikes are better for the environment than cars.

And more fun.

Rest assured, I'm not trynna be evil kenevil. that's why i refuse to get a crotch rocket. sall about the cruisers.

I Are Style.

I just realized that I am not an individual.

Everything I am is essentially something that I've seen in someone else that I've like along the way.

I'm like a salad bar of personality.

For example, I really look up to my worship leader Brandon, so I take after him a lot.

And other people I've met along the way. Like a shmorgasboard. (SP??!)

I mean, because when you mix numerous elements together, you get a totally new element, I guess that means I'm an individual. Because I am definitely not a carbon copy of Brandon. Nor anyone else that I've looked up to or seen things that I've applied in my own life.

But at the same time it makes me feel a little fake.

I draw because trevor drew.

I play guitar because my dad played guitar.

I listen to indie music because Lauren listened to indie music.

I read comic books because Seth Cohen reads comic books.

I watch indie films because Rebecca Waller watches indie films.

etc. etc. but at the same time I just realized that these aren't things that make up my personality, they're just things I do. So I guess that's ok.

Nevermind.

Bantha Fodder

By far the best song I've ever written.

As follows:

I don't wanna join the dark side

I wanna be a Jedi

I don't wanna join the dark side

I wanna be a Jedi

I'm a Jedi, A Jedi

A Jedi Master!

Yoda told me what's good

And so did Kenobi

You say you wanna be mi padre?

Homie, you don't even know me

So you can suck it Darth Vader

I don't care that you're my father

Imma cut you up with my light saber

You's abousta be bantha fodder

Hey dad, thanks for the genes

And those "midichlorean" things

Helped me blow up your death star

In my mutha effin X-Wing

I don't wanna join the dark side

I wanna be a jedi

I don't wanna join the dark side

I wanna be a jedi

I wanna be a jedi like my father was before me

I wanna be a jedi like my father was before me

Obi Wan Kenobi taught me how to be a good guy

Obi Wan Kenobi taught me how to be a Jedi

Cause you weren't there...

...no...

You cut off my hand

Now you wanna be my dad?

Well, that's straight whack.

I don't understand why I'm not signed yet.

Yungin's.

I can't sleep. I keep thinking about what my mom told me last night. I was telling her about how terribly 7th grade was for me. How I dreaded it so terribly. I would be at the bus stop and I'd be shaking because I knew that I'd get beaten up as soon as I got on the bus. And then I'd get picked on all day, then I'd have to eat lunch alone, and then I'd get beaten up again on the way home. I missed 80 days of school in 7th grade. I feign sickenss and stay home and watch reruns of Bewitchd, Magnum P.I., and Hawaii 5-0. That was also the year that I started smoking weed. I didn't tell my mom that last part, though. But she told me that was the year that that "spark" left me. She said that was the year that she could see that I was losing all of my innocence, that reality was settling in and that I wasn't the imaginative, goofy, lighthearted kid that I used to be. And it killed her.

And that reminded me of this one time when I was at the skatepark and an 8 year old (he tried to tell me he was 20, ha) tried to get me to buy him cigarettes. All I could do was laugh, really. I tried to tell him that he shouldn't smoke and he just said "You're not my mom, fuck off." Another kid said "If you're trying to bum cigarettes, then what's that in your ear?" He replied with "That's a joint, I'm saving that for later."

And now Jake, whom I've known since he was 3, is a sophomore in highschool. His goal is to go through life having never cursed, never tried alcohol or drugs, and to not have sex until he's married. I was giving him a ride home from school the other day and he was telling me how al the kids in his grade are having sex because that's like the latest fad. So instead of trading pokemon cards, it's like trading virginity's. They're not even old enough to drive and they're running around trying to have sex.

I'm tired of seeing these kids face every day like a lamb to the slaughter. I'm tired of these kids going into the combine only to be spit out a model of the same ticks and phobias and messes that we're made of. I want these kids to actually have a chance. I want to give them that chance. That's why I'm so dead-set on this youth center thing, even though everything's working against me right now. I will not stand idly by and watch these guys be forced to make such heavy decisions on their own just because they don't have anyone else to turn to.

A thirteen year old shouldn't have to smoke weed just to be accepted.

An eight year old shouldn't have to be bumming cigarettes just to be cared about.

A fifteen year old shouldn't be having sex just to be loved.

That just shouldn't happen.

Zumiez.

So I don't have very long before I have to get ready to go to work again. But yeah I've been working a lot lately. But yesterday was sick. I longboarded all the way across town to like almost Graham. Then this girl emily called me and was like "uuhhh, like omg can you work for me in like 2 hours?" So I was like "yeah, but frick! i gotta get movin!" So I started bookin it towards zumiez as fast as I could, and we're talking like... probly bout 8 miles. I also stopped by Kristen's to give her Harry Potter back and I stopped to chitchat for a bit. I ended up getting there 45 minutes early. So I bought some Taco Time and kicked it for a bit till I had to work. Then I worked for like 5.5 hours and was straight up DEAD. Super hungry, what have you. Then Aaron calls and is like "hey wanna come film with me tomorrow at 7:30 am? Also you sould come to Applebees with me, I'll pay for you." So I got the hunger issue solved. And I was totally not stoked to wake up early cause by now it's like 1:30 after I got home. But then Aaron's like "I'm hella tired. I'll just call you tomorrow if we're goin. If I don't call you it means I'm asleep still." Well, I guess he slept in cause I just woke up, and that's the longest I've slept in a long time. Such a good feeling. So I'm tryin to go cruise again as soon as it's nice out. But I have to work today and It's sposed to rain tomorrow, so bummer. Anyways, gotta go to work! Buhbye. Oh and P.S. I might be getting a 2nd job at Vans in Tacoma. :]

I Suck at Writing Now.

It's the quiet of my life

Tucked into the trees

Away from the world

It is home for me

It's the rythm of my life

Thumpin in my chest, deep

Away from the world

It is home for me

It's the music of my life

Up against the sky it sings

Away from the world

It is home for me

It's the whisper of my life

The ghosts of empty streets

Away from the world

It is home for me

My New Favorite Snack :]

Sketchy Sketch.

I hate older people sometimes.

I've been trying to suppress thoughts of violence the whole drive home from work.

Cause I know that Obi Wan Kenobi would say "just because you know you could defeat him by force, doesn't mean it would necessarily solve anything."

But it would be nice to just punch him a jillion times and say "TRY AND STEAL MY YOUTH CENTER HOMIE! THATS WHAT HAPPEN!"

but then i doubt anybody would want to come to my youth center if i was in jail for assault and battery, so either way i lose.

i just gotta outsmart him somehow.

what pisses me off is that all i wanna do this to help the community, and this guy is seriously just trying to make money. sometimes i just wish i was a jedi so i could wave my hand in his face and say "you do not want to steal my youth center". and then he'll go "i don't want to steal your youth center."

and i'll wave my hand again and say "you want to keep working at your grocery store for another 25 years."

and hed say "imma go work at my grocery store for 25 more years."

dangit.

Harry Potter: fin.

It's weird. It's something that's been going on since I was in gradeschool I think. I'm pretty sure. And I know I'm a bit late on finally reading the 7th one, but it's just weird to me. It's over.

Well I mean, sure I can read it again. But what I mean is, like it's OVER. I know how everything ends now. This must have been how people felt when Star Wars Return of the Jedi came out. They were like "woah, it's over."

But then George Lucas was like "Myawr I'm a slut for the industry! 3 more movies!" but that wasn't till like 20-30 years later. But it's just weird. Bittersweet. Like it was a happy ending, but after everything that's happened you can't just go back to normal. It's kinda weird how personally I'm taking this. I was absolutely enveloped in this book for the last week. (I decided to read the 6th one too just to jog my memory before reading the 7th one.)

Like I couldn't put it down, I read the whole 750-or-so pages of it in less than two days.

I just don't want it to be over, but at the same time while I was reading it I was thinking "oh my gosh this is so overwhelming. I just want Voldemort to die already!" And I kind of had an idea how it was gonna end, and I was pretty much right, but I was pretty shocked all the same by the specifics.

I dunno. I need time to process all of this... 

Jaimie says I should just read twilight and I'll feel better cause I'll have a new series to read.

1. I don't wanna be THAT guy.

2. I dunno if I'm ready to move on just yet...

3. I WISH I COULD DO MAGIC. I THINK HARRY POTTER IS REAL.

there, i said it. i'm glad i finally got that off my chest.

My Better Judgement.

Man, one of the biggest bummer moments in life is this:

(in my opinion)

Driving away from a really gorgeous sunset.

Like today, I was driving back home from Spanaway, and there was this beautiful sunset, and it was directly behind me, so i could see it in my rearview mirror, but then if i just stared at it in my rearview mirror, i'd probably get in a head-on collision, so I just had to keep plowing away into the darkness... that's what she said.

Anyways, it was kind of a bummer, cause I was like "I wish I could just turn around and be driving the other way, but I really wanna go home and find out what happens to Harry Potter and company."

Anyways. I was just thinking that and though "I think that's a thought I should jot down for some odd reason."

Empty Room.

In a lot of ways my life isn't necessarily living up to what I thought it would be when I was younger. I spose I had just never even really given thought about it, which probably substantially contributes to my not being in college. When I was young, I was always just kind of slippery in a way. I got out of trouble easily (Though I was constantly in trouble, just never really having to deal with the consequences), and got by without much effort. I was able to win over a lot of the right people and think I managed to work my way through a lot of my early life through favoritism.

It wasn't until I met a couple of teachers who, yes, favored me and sought a special interest in me, but actually punished me for my sometimes terribly rebellious behavior that I realized what responsibility was. But I spose that's a different story.

What I'm saying is, until the last couple years, my life has been relatively easy. I've had my dramas and my losses, of course. I went through some things that most people don't go through until much later in life. But all in all, I found school and everything so easy that I guess I just figured that life would come to me just as easily. That I wouldn't have to work very hard to be able to find a good job, and a god wife, etc. etc. That I would always just be as comfortable as I have been my whole life.

And then, I think it was by God, I was instilled with the undisputed notion that I wanted to be uncomfortable. I began to despise my nice happy little suburban life. I began to resent myself for ever thinking I could get by so easily while other in the world suffered so severely. Unfortunately, it was too late. I had developed a strong work ethic, and an even stronger heart for the less fortunate, but it wasn't in time to save my grades and procure any kind of a means into a school. And from there everything kind of tailspinned. The year following isn't a time that I really like to recount.

I had become a victim of the life that surrounded me. I had succumbed to the fact that I was not responsible for my own actions solely because of the circumstances under which my character had fallen. As such, my character became something almost exactly opposite of what it had been before. I was an almost doppelganger of myself the year prior. I still held a lot of the same values for a broader humanitarian purpose, but held no value for myself. I'm not sure where this is leading, now that I think about it. In any case, I was miraculously able to salvage what was left of myself and begin to piece my life back together.

The point of this longwinded narration is, now I have to suffer the repercussions of all my actions. I realize now that I have done wrong and must face the consequences of what I've done. I have been lazy and irresponsible, therefore now I must give myself more responsibility to catch up to where I should be.

I suppose, when I was younger, I saw in my future grandeur and adventure. And at the moment reality seems to be settling in, and it is somewhat bleak and dismal. That in itself is overbearing.

But I haven't given up hope.

Bleeding Heart.

It is a habit of mine to offer my condolences and services to those whom I probably shouldn't. I invest emotions into people that take advantage of my naive sense of responsibility for humanity. At least four times a week, generally, I'm awoken in the middle of the night by a frantic phone call from a drama-ridden soul on the other end. I therefore spend the next x amount of time comforting them and listening to their woes and worries. I don't mind it, necessarily. I know it's just my nature to take on other peoples' burdens. It's just part of my character make up to put myself in front of fiasco train in a vain attempt to stop them, even if they were never my problem to begin with. I just care about people, maybe to a fault. I realize that this probably makes me codependent. But it's not that I thrive off of others that lead lives of desperation, I also care about the people who leave respectively dull or contended lives, also. It's just the people who tend to have struggle and wear and tear in their lives are attracted to me for the sole reason that I'm one of the few people who will listen. My biggest problem, though, is that I find myself at a loss for two-way friendships. Not that I have no friends that give back, it's that the ones who are always taking require so much more attention, that I rarely have time for the people in my life that actually give me comfort. So I constantly find myself drained of everything. Also, like now, I find myself caught between two conflicts. I dislike taking sides, but that isn't always possible. For example, right now I'm caught between a brother and a sister, both of whom I've known since they were very little and I consider family to myself. I care both of them a lot but there was no way to help them without hurting someone, so I had to be the bad guy. I can't go into detail concerning this subject, but basically to keep them both safe I had to make one of them hate me. And they never want to speak to me again, and called me many names that very nearly brought me to tears. And they had good reason to be mad, but I hope and pray that one day they'll understand the decision that I made and forgive me. I kept quiet and just let them yell at me, and the whole time I just realized that if I ever want children this may be the mayhem I will probably have to face on multiple occasions. It's part of being a guardian rather than a friend. The difference is the guardian does what is right, not necessarily what is easy. I fervently hope that one day we become close again, but she will probably never trust me the way she has these last 12 years I've known her. Which is very sad, but I don't regret it, because in my heart I know I did the right thing. But sometimes I wonder if that's enough.

I've never had a valentine. Well, I spose that's not entirely true. I had a valentine once, but it's only because I was dating her and I forgot what day it was and I actually intended on breaking up with her that day but decided to spare her the pain of being dumped on valentine's day. So I made dinner for her... and ended up breaking up with her over dessert. Still, to this day, I feel terrible about it but the awkward silence was terrible and I'm just not good at lying and couldn't stand it anymore. So I don't really count that because it wasn't mutual. And one year my ex girlfriend wanted to be my valentine but I knew it was only because she didn't want anyone else to be my valentine so I said no. Oh, and one time I asked out a girl on valentine's day, went to California the day after, and found out she cheated on me the day I got back a week later. So safely put, I have never had a REAL valentine. And I 'm not saying this to make anyone feel sorry for me, I'm just saying it. Mostly because I totally forgot today was valentine's day until about three hours ago when it was brought up in conversation. Luckily, my mom pulled through and had a really nice card waiting for me when I got home. She's always good at writing really nice cards. Anyways, I spose what I'm getting at is it's not all that bad, I'm kind of excited to have my first real valentine and I want it to be special. Because I've already given away my first kiss and literally everything else to people that maybe didn't deserve it, so it'll be nice to have something to offer someone who does. Not that I'm trying to rush out there and find a valentine, I'm fine with waiting as long as I have to until the time's right and I know the perfect person to be my very first valentine.

On a side note, I think I'm like... turning into somebody annoying or something. Because people seem to be less and less inclined to spend time with me these days. It could be because I've been spending too much time with Mike, who can honestly be an insensitive douche at times and maybe he's rubbing off on me. It could be because I'm 20 years old and honestly not accomplishing much in life, and people find me pathetic and don't want to associate with me. Or it could be that I'm just down and am overthinking things and really everyone's just busy.

On yet another side note, I was thinking really hard today about the future. And I can really see myself as an EMT or a teacher. My mom's a nurse, so that must run in the family. But I realized that's why I love retail; I hate the sales aspect, but I just love working with people and helping them find what they need. And that's what I want, I want to help people, I want to protect people, I want to serve people. I DON'T want to join the military, don't worry. But I think I would do well as an EMT, or maybe even a counselor. I dunno. Either way, I really want to go back to school, but money's really tight in my family at the moment. Everyone says "I wish I could be like you and just follow my dreams instead of being forced into college."

Unfortunately, my dream was never to be a 20 year old college drop out that made minimum wage working at the mall. I always figured I'd have dropped my first album by the time I was 20, but that obviously didn't happen. And I don't even know if that's what I want, really. Or else I probably would have done that by now, or at least would be proactively working towards that goal. I tried it, and I ended up hating music, which is something I never want to feel again. So I dunno. Maybe everyone should just be thankful for what they have and suck it up and go enjoy the best 4 years of their life and have awesome HMO plans when they're old and have a white picket fence and a suburban. Now I feel stupid because I'm making myself seem like the victim when really I should have just done better in highschool and gotten some scholarships.

I dunno, I'm tired and cranky and frustrated and have nobody to talk to because my parents already have enough to worry about and my friends don't want to hear about my innermost turmoils and wonders and my dogs don't speak people. And thus, I go forth and blog.

MY WIFE.

So I've never wanted to be famous in my hole life. I've never wanted to be one of the poor saps who ended up on E! and VH1.

But if it means that one day I could meet Hermione...

...Sign me up, dawg!

Natalie Portman will do, also.

Or Chan Marshall. :]

With Old Age...

I've noticed lately that some things have changed in the past couple years.

1. I talk less. Unless I'm at work, because I'm being payed to talk to people. But otherwise I tend to convey things more with a grunt or just a look. My friend Erin says that guys are only allotted some many words in their lifetime so the older you get, the less words you use.

2. I'm better at admitting when I'm wrong. And I find more gratitude in saying "you were right, sorry." than saying "HA! Told you!"

3. I'm slowly getting cynical. Not outwardly. I still try to be nice to people, but on the inside I find myself being more and more critical of other people and their flaws. I find myself being at ends with humanity and resenting myself for being a middle-class suburban white kid. I don't want to be this way.

4. I need a lot more alone time than I used to. I actually prefer to be alone for the most part. 

5. Also I started writing this yesterday morning and just now finished it. Which means I'm getting Alzheimer's. I'm getting old!

Streets be like "Feed me, feed me"

So I've been trying super hard to keep on track.

It hasn't been easy. But I've stopped drinking and smoking and partying and everything.

I've been clean and sober and living for God for a pretty long time now,

But today at my friend's house, his brother and some of his friends pulled out a scale and started bagging weed right in front of me. And then my friend who's been trying to quit was like "dude nobody sells 20/40 where i'm from in eastern washington, the cheapest you can get is 25/50. if you like pipelined your stuff you could make a HUGE profit over there." And they went on and on and on. And then the dude was trying to sell to me, and I was telling him I didn't smoke anymore.

And it just made me sad because like... I've cut out a lot of my friends, and I pretty much only hang out with people from church now.

But even at my friend from church's house, I can't get away from it.

So I guess this is God just saying "sooner or later, it's gonna be put in front of you and you're gonna have to say no". Which I did, and that's good.

But I hope it's a long time before I have to be put in that situation again.

It's just hard because I'm not dealing with white suburban kids anymore. Which is why I'm choosing this area to open my youth center in, because it's the place that needs it most. Right in the heart of parkland, midland, tacoma, lakewood, all the rougher parts of the area. These kids are seriously lost, and they need help.

It's actually really sad, I'll be hanging out at the skatepark with a bunch of kids, and an eight year old will come up to me and ask me to buy him cigarettes. Of course I say no, but that's still sad.

I dunno, it's just crazy growing up in Puyallup most of my life and now all of a sudden I'm thrown into this world full of kids with crackhead moms and absent fathers and brothers that are either in jail or on their way.

Probably at LEAST half of the kids at the skatepark are highschool drop outs, or are gonna be. It just makes me sad that these kids have no hope for themselves, all they have is skateboarding.

Which in turn has the potential to either keep you out of trouble, or get you in more.

Unfortunately, it seems as though the dark side is winning.

The Industry of Creativeness

I don't think I'm cut out to be a professional musician.

Like, I love music. And if somebody came along and was like "hey, I like your stuff, I'm the president of Atlantic Records. I wanna sign you." Then I'd be down.

But the thing is, even if I was signed or whatever, I don't think I'd be happy.

Because I've talked to some very experienced and knowledgeable people in the music biz and a lot of it is whoring yourself off to the masses, compromising your creativity for what the general public likes, and putting up with dbag producers and managers who just want to use you to make money.

And that just doesn't seem like the kind of industry I want to get myself into. I wouldn't be able to deal with a life like that. I dunno. I'm still gonna play shows and maybe mail out demos to some labels I like, but I'm gonna leave it mostly in God's hands and keep looking for something that I really want to do for the rest of my life.

Because I'd really rather be a good father and a husband someday than be a payed musician. And to make money in the music industry I'd have to be gone a lot, and I'm not okay with that. I want to be an avid presence in my family's lives. So we'll see. I'm not really complaining or anything, it's just a revelation.

I think I've mostly just used music as a cop-out for not working hard in life. Like "I don't need an education, I'm creative!" And that's stupid. So I wanna try to work harder and get my feet in the ground so if one day I meet somebody really special, they won't be stuck with a loser who still lives with their parents and drives with no insurance and works at Zumiez twice a week. Just a thought.

But I dunno, maybe I'm just letting financial woes get the best of my dreams.

Quote of the day (and I feel is relevant and pertinent):

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."

Henry David Thoreau

I found it written in an old notebook from highschool today and thought maybe I found it for a reason.

I'd Forgotten

How wonderful it is to just lay in my bed after a long day,

Turn on some chill music (play it quietly),

And just watch the sunset out my window as I doze off for a light afternoon nap.

I used to do this EVERY DAY when I got home from school.

And I haven't taken the time to take a nap in forever.

And I feel incredibly refreshed and relaxed.

All the stress that I'd been feeling the past couple weeks is gone.

Like there was a fat cat (not pointing any fingers) sitting on my chest

And now it's decided to get up and check out the food dish and give me a break.

Good day.

Elderly

I'm not really sure what to write about exactly. I'm uncertain as to whether I should just unroll the day as it happened, or if I should just talk about how I feel, or what.

I spose the biggest thing happening to me is I just turned twenty. An hour ago it was yesterday, but now it's two days ago. So I'm already twenty and two days old. I don't feel much different. People still look at me like a punk kid, even though I try to look everyone in the eye and smile and hold doors open and say my "please" and "thank you"s. But I guess the general populous of middle aged to elderlies has already made up their minds about me and it's not really up to me to change that.

But it gets frustrating because, for example, I'm starting a youth center. And I say I am because I'm the manager.

I'm the one who does the paperwork, who talks to everybody, who does everything. Nothing happens that I don't know about.

But for some reason, the guy that takes care of the building that we want to rent (the landlords brother) doesn't seem to take me seriously. ie he'll ask me a question like "how do you plan on making money" and i'll go on to answer him and he'll blatantly interrupt me midsentence by turning to someone older and asking them the same question. I don't think he understands that these people in turn answer to me as far as the youth center is concerned. So if I say we're making money by means a and b, that's how we make money. And Seth or Heidi, or whoever other person that's over thirty that you ask will tell you the same thing.

Maybe he's just incapable of wrapping his head around the fact that I'm trying to accomplish more with my twenty years of experience than he's accomplished in his lifetime. I spose that's not up to me to say, I don't really know him THAT well, but from what I've experienced it's the truth. And I know I'll feel bad for speaking so poorly of him later, but I'm really irritated now.

And I don't want to give anyone the impression that I think I'm awesome for being mr. bossman. I actually rely on my elders a lot, because I'm still just a lost little kid and I have no idea what I'm doing and without them I wouldn't have even gotten my foot in the door.

But the fact remains that this whole thing is MY vision, and they even tell him that. They even tell him that whatever I say is what goes, but he still doesn't understand that and he still can't take me seriously.

Luckily, he actually has literally no power over us once we actually get the building. So I can go over his head and go straight to the landlord on just about anything. And what's kind of sad is the landlord's secretary pam (a secretary named pam, ha) said "tony's sole purpose is to lock and unlock the door. don't listen to anything he says. you come to me with questions."

But he still seems to think that I need to wait for eight hours for him to show up to our meeting. Which I did.

And when he shows up eight hours late he says "why didn't you call me?"

And I say "I shouldn't have to call you more than I already did. I left you a message. Let's just get the thing done and get out of here."

I'm not sure how well I'll do in the business world.

Narcissism

I didn't have enough places on the internet to talk about my feelings and feel important so I made a blogspot also.

Hot.