I've always had very vivid and passionate dreams. The kind that sweep you up and whirl you around until it feels like dropping you. They're unpredictable, uncontrollable, indescribable.
Typically, I have viewed the sporadic nature of dreams as a good thing. Dreams are a blessing that provide a break from the monotony and restraint of reality.
But as of late they have been taking me to places I don't want to go. My dreams have been leading me into romantics with lovers that have left me. They put me in rooms with friends that have been lost. They bring me to meals with family that has passed away. They carry me to places that hurt my heart.
I know it's probably because I am starting to really miss home, and it is my subconscious' way of telling me that I have already lost enough in life. I can't be isolating myself and abandoning the people that have loved me and cared for me my whole life. I need to go home.
The hardest part is being given the things you want most, then waking up to the awful realization that it's still gone. You're still alone. The worst part is when I'm still half asleep, and I even search through my sheets for someone before I realize what's happened. I feel like my own mind is betraying me.
I would prefer nightmares over this, I think.
