Empty Room.

In a lot of ways my life isn't necessarily living up to what I thought it would be when I was younger. I spose I had just never even really given thought about it, which probably substantially contributes to my not being in college. When I was young, I was always just kind of slippery in a way. I got out of trouble easily (Though I was constantly in trouble, just never really having to deal with the consequences), and got by without much effort. I was able to win over a lot of the right people and think I managed to work my way through a lot of my early life through favoritism.

It wasn't until I met a couple of teachers who, yes, favored me and sought a special interest in me, but actually punished me for my sometimes terribly rebellious behavior that I realized what responsibility was. But I spose that's a different story.

What I'm saying is, until the last couple years, my life has been relatively easy. I've had my dramas and my losses, of course. I went through some things that most people don't go through until much later in life. But all in all, I found school and everything so easy that I guess I just figured that life would come to me just as easily. That I wouldn't have to work very hard to be able to find a good job, and a god wife, etc. etc. That I would always just be as comfortable as I have been my whole life.

And then, I think it was by God, I was instilled with the undisputed notion that I wanted to be uncomfortable. I began to despise my nice happy little suburban life. I began to resent myself for ever thinking I could get by so easily while other in the world suffered so severely. Unfortunately, it was too late. I had developed a strong work ethic, and an even stronger heart for the less fortunate, but it wasn't in time to save my grades and procure any kind of a means into a school. And from there everything kind of tailspinned. The year following isn't a time that I really like to recount.

I had become a victim of the life that surrounded me. I had succumbed to the fact that I was not responsible for my own actions solely because of the circumstances under which my character had fallen. As such, my character became something almost exactly opposite of what it had been before. I was an almost doppelganger of myself the year prior. I still held a lot of the same values for a broader humanitarian purpose, but held no value for myself. I'm not sure where this is leading, now that I think about it. In any case, I was miraculously able to salvage what was left of myself and begin to piece my life back together.

The point of this longwinded narration is, now I have to suffer the repercussions of all my actions. I realize now that I have done wrong and must face the consequences of what I've done. I have been lazy and irresponsible, therefore now I must give myself more responsibility to catch up to where I should be.

I suppose, when I was younger, I saw in my future grandeur and adventure. And at the moment reality seems to be settling in, and it is somewhat bleak and dismal. That in itself is overbearing.

But I haven't given up hope.