Vulture Toast

I've never had a valentine. Well, I spose that's not entirely true. I had a valentine once, but it's only because I was dating her and I forgot what day it was and I actually intended on breaking up with her that day but decided to spare her the pain of being dumped on valentine's day. So I made dinner for her... and ended up breaking up with her over dessert. Still, to this day, I feel terrible about it but the awkward silence was terrible and I'm just not good at lying and couldn't stand it anymore. So I don't really count that because it wasn't mutual. And one year my ex girlfriend wanted to be my valentine but I knew it was only because she didn't want anyone else to be my valentine so I said no. Oh, and one time I asked out a girl on valentine's day, went to California the day after, and found out she cheated on me the day I got back a week later. So safely put, I have never had a REAL valentine. And I 'm not saying this to make anyone feel sorry for me, I'm just saying it. Mostly because I totally forgot today was valentine's day until about three hours ago when it was brought up in conversation. Luckily, my mom pulled through and had a really nice card waiting for me when I got home. She's always good at writing really nice cards. Anyways, I spose what I'm getting at is it's not all that bad, I'm kind of excited to have my first real valentine and I want it to be special. Because I've already given away my first kiss and literally everything else to people that maybe didn't deserve it, so it'll be nice to have something to offer someone who does. Not that I'm trying to rush out there and find a valentine, I'm fine with waiting as long as I have to until the time's right and I know the perfect person to be my very first valentine.

On a side note, I think I'm like... turning into somebody annoying or something. Because people seem to be less and less inclined to spend time with me these days. It could be because I've been spending too much time with Mike, who can honestly be an insensitive douche at times and maybe he's rubbing off on me. It could be because I'm 20 years old and honestly not accomplishing much in life, and people find me pathetic and don't want to associate with me. Or it could be that I'm just down and am overthinking things and really everyone's just busy.

On yet another side note, I was thinking really hard today about the future. And I can really see myself as an EMT or a teacher. My mom's a nurse, so that must run in the family. But I realized that's why I love retail; I hate the sales aspect, but I just love working with people and helping them find what they need. And that's what I want, I want to help people, I want to protect people, I want to serve people. I DON'T want to join the military, don't worry. But I think I would do well as an EMT, or maybe even a counselor. I dunno. Either way, I really want to go back to school, but money's really tight in my family at the moment. Everyone says "I wish I could be like you and just follow my dreams instead of being forced into college."

Unfortunately, my dream was never to be a 20 year old college drop out that made minimum wage working at the mall. I always figured I'd have dropped my first album by the time I was 20, but that obviously didn't happen. And I don't even know if that's what I want, really. Or else I probably would have done that by now, or at least would be proactively working towards that goal. I tried it, and I ended up hating music, which is something I never want to feel again. So I dunno. Maybe everyone should just be thankful for what they have and suck it up and go enjoy the best 4 years of their life and have awesome HMO plans when they're old and have a white picket fence and a suburban. Now I feel stupid because I'm making myself seem like the victim when really I should have just done better in highschool and gotten some scholarships.

I dunno, I'm tired and cranky and frustrated and have nobody to talk to because my parents already have enough to worry about and my friends don't want to hear about my innermost turmoils and wonders and my dogs don't speak people. And thus, I go forth and blog.